Thinking….

•August 16, 2012 • Leave a Comment

I feel as I spend most of my life thinking.  I think about the past, the future, my mistakes, and every once in a while about my successes.  I think about my loved ones and how I wish I could take all their pains and worries away.  I think about my soulmate and how I don’t know what I would do without her.  And I think about being a millionaire and how I would live.  My ultimate life goal is to live off-grid.  I want to live on a ranch, have solar and wind power, collect rain water and grow my own food.  I want to create art, write books and travel.  I want to just LIVE without worry.  And I want to have a positive impact on society, I want to start a non-profit and help others.  And if I was truly blessed, I would have a child or adopt one (maybe both).  But then I think about how that all seems so impossible, yet NOTHING is impossible, because I am here, I am alive.  And as long as I breath, there is always hope.  I think about my great niece Alyssa and how she reminds me of myself at that age, yet the biggest difference is she has family to encourage her.  And believe me it does make a difference.  I think about how I gave up on all my dreams to just settle in to work and paying my bills.  I think if I was a millionaire I would buy her photography equipment and send her on a trip to see the world.  She’s not a blood relative, she’s my partners family…but she is more family than anyone I am related to.  That is how all my partners family is…I wasn’t just blessed with an amazing person to share my life with, I was given a whole family!!  I think and I think…and then I get tired of thinking.  Sometimes I get angry.  Especially about my sister in law and her struggle with stage four pancreatic cancer.  I love her so much.  To me she is not just a sister in law, she is a sister, a mother and a mentor, I look up to her, she inspires me with her strength and graciousness.  And I think why couldn’t it be me, instead of her.  I guess we all tend to be that way.  I just wish I could take her burden away and give her some peace and joy in her life.  I think about my job.  It is such a love/hate relationship.  I just want to get out of retail and do something good in my life.  I sometimes think about just packing a bag and walking until I can’t anymore and starting all over.  I feel sometimes like I am suffocating, that I live everyday just to pay for a home I am rarely ever in. When I worked for Walmart, my life partner and I worked the same schedule, had the same days off, and we had time together (at least until we transferred to Texas).  But when we came to Texas and were harrassed and singled out, and everything bad that happened, we felt we had no choice but to leave Walmart.  And life has been a struggle since.  But does that make leaving Walmart a mistake?  I think abou that a lot.  But, mentally I couldn’t take working for them anymore, they were abusive to myself and my partner and it was too much for me to take.  Money isn’t everything.  But I do think how that experience has affected me.  And I just want a new career, I want to do something that matters, and I am finding it so hard to get a chance at anything.  Once you work in retail, that is all people seem to think you are capable of.  I think about living in Texas and if it was a mistake to move here.  It was definitely a brave thing to do.  To move away from everyone and everything we knew.  And there are things I love about living here.  Especially all the outdoor activities, but we don’t seem to ever have time to enjoy them.  So that makes me think about moving away and moving back to Missouri or maybe somewhere like Tennessee where we have never been before.  I am wasting my life just thinking about this and that.  Because to take action, to just run away or quit my job to pursue my dreams would be taking a financial risk I cannot afford.  I have no savings, no insurance, I have nothing but love in my life.  Which believe me, love is really all you need…. but I’d be the most loved homeless person ever!  I think about the kids today in such a hurry to grow up, and I wish that I had enjoyed my childhood more.  It is time I must get ready for work.  I will do my best to make someone smile today and to achieve my work goals.  And I will try to stop all this thinking… and start just living a little bit more.  Peace and love to all….

Independence Day

•July 4, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Most of us think of Independence Day and automatically our thoughts go to the military and the wars we’ve fought as a nation to be free. And rightfully so, that is what this holiday is about. It needs to be honored as a day to reflect on our freedoms that we enjoy as Americans and the sacrifices that were made. It is more than just a day off of work (for some) and a day to stuff your face with BBQ; it is a day to celebrate being an American. And if we want to continue to enjoy those freedoms that so many have sacrificed for; it is also a time to commit to voting for a leader that will take America back to the glory of days gone by! But I also like to think of this day on a more personal level. To think about my individual freedom. And with that I mean freedom from my fears, and the past that holds me back. And to think about what I am willing to do to achieve my dreams. My life partner and I took a huge risk moving to Texas, knowing three people in the whole state! And the reasons for doing so were extremely personal to us both. And then we took an even bigger risk by quitting our jobs that we had both held for over 14 years. Some risks pay off, some don’t. I’d say on a mental level that it was well worth it to move to Texas and also to leave Walmart. A person shouldn’t have to deal with daily persecution just to earn a paycheck!! But, quitting Walmart came at a huge financial costs to us both. A financial deficit we are still trying to overcome! So, right now I struggle with how to be free. We know what our dreams are for the future, but we have no idea on how to achieve them. We mostly just live on faith and hope as we go about our days working to pay our bills. There isn’t much time to just sit back and enjoy life. That is the main problem that seems to knaw away at my soul. Because I can’t figure out why we are working so hard, to just not even have time to live! I watch shows like Mountain Men and see those people struggle to survive but at the same time they seem so blissful. I think how I wish we could just walk away from all our financial obligations and just live somewhere, off the radar. Then I think about how crazy that must sound to most people. I don’t know what the future has planned for us. I do know I am with the person I was meant to be with. That my life partner is the other half of my soul and I would follow her to the ends of the earth and back without hesitation. I do know that next year we can put the house up for sale and hope for the best, and look to buy land and hopefully have a log home built on it. The house doesn’t have to be huge, but we do want a big porch. There is no guarantees in that plan, but it is a plan nonetheless. I don’t know if we will stay in Texas, but I know there is a 98% chance we will. We especially like the Grimes County area of Texas. I pray that God will allow us to win the lottery and prove that we can do so much good with the money. We are not materialistic people, we are extremely charitable. I do know that I somehow need to find other work. That working retail is not going to be what gets me to my dream life. And that is the hardest part, because I find it nearly impossible to break out of retail. I wanted us to be successful at our own business, and given more money and more time I think we would of picked a different business to put our money in to. But, again, you live and you learn and we made a huge gamble and it didn’t pay off. I know I am smart enough to learn anything, and I am also too stubborn to admit defeat. I will continue to believe in our dreams until I take my last breath. And I will continue to apply for jobs I am not qualified for, hoping that someone will give me an opportunity to be more than I am. I believe the impossible is possible. Today is a day of sadness for my family, they lost a loved one. I believe his soul is now free and that his impact on the world will live on in the memories of those he touched; and the family he left behind. I know that he lived life on his terms, he took risks and some paid off and some didn’t. But, he never gave up! That is an important lesson for anyone in life; because there are always going to be people telling you to give up. But, you have to believe in yourself; and you have to believe in your dreams. Life is more than just a paycheck, or your possessions; life is about creating memories and truly living, not just existing!

Career Search Continues

•June 28, 2012 • Leave a Comment

I am currently working for a Pet store and I have to admit the job is enjoyable.  I love interacting with the pet owners and all the animals.  It is more like play time than a job.  But it still leaves me filling unfulfilled.  I admittedly am a person with an artistic soul (although I’ve lost my confidence in my art); I enjoy writing, drawing, crafting, photography and just anything that provokes an emotional response.  Animals are a passion of mine too, if I had the time and finances I know I would own a zoo!  Life being what it is, time has passed me by and I never made it to college and I’ve just pretty much always worked retail.  My ultimate dream is to own a ranch someday and just enjoy living life.  In order to achieve that dream, I do believe is going to take hard work and a little luck and a LOT of faith.  I wholeheartedly admit that God has blessed me in many ways in life.  And even the dreams that I’ve been denied, they don’t compare to the blessings I have received.  I just need to figure out what my life purpose is and what I need to do to achieve it.  In the world of retail, I have often been seen as someone who has too high of expectations and who is too moral.  That I am a bit of a “hard ass” and really don’t want to hear excuses.  That I believe makes me a great manager and an asset to any company because I follow policy and I am always looking out for the bottom line.  I don’t just look out for my area, or the store I work in.  I try to always think of the whole company.  I often like to think outside of the box and see if there are ways to improve on operations, I relate very easily to employees and I treat everyone fairly.  For me work is never personal, it’s all about business.  That doesn’t mean I don’t care about people or empathize because I do…I am just very good at separating work and personal relationships.  Which, although I have only a high school education I think these qualities of mine would make me a good candidate for a Human Resources position.  I’ve thought even about Asset Protection, but I would not be able to catch shoplifters.  They say in life it is important to know what you are not qualified for, as well as what you are qualified for.   I am pursuing moving up in my current job because I need more pay; but I know there is not a real future for me in the company.  They have outsourced their HR department, so I could become an Assistant Manager and then a General Manager, but I am not sure if that is the road I want to take.  I would like to eventually get out of retail all together and find something with more of a normal work schedule that would allow some family time.  I do learn new skills pretty fast, I am just looking for someone out there to take a chance on letting me learn a new skill and find a career instead of a job.  I still believe in miracles and I know that God will lead me to the path I need to be on; I just have to be willing to take the leap of faith.

For a Friend

•June 25, 2012 • 1 Comment

Usually on my blog I ramble about my life.  Today I wanted to write about a friend/co-worker of mine.  His name is Bill, and he is looking for a better, more satisfying job.  Bill has turrets syndrome, and I feel that many people can’t get past that.  And I find it to be unfortunate because he is a very intelligent man.  He is a person I rely on at work, he is dedicated (never missed a day of work in 9 years) and customer orientated.  And when he writes in suggestions to the company, he is very articulate.  I think he has been held back in life because of his disability, it is a condition that makes a lot of people uncomfortable.  I am hoping that someone will read my blog and contact me with a legitimate job offer for him.  He lives near Tomball, TX and although he only has a highschool education (like me), he is willing and capable of learning.  I think it would be great if he could have an at home job where maybe it is computer driven; because as I said he communicates very well in written form.  And he does communicate effectively verbally also, it’s just if he starts to feel stressed, the turrets gets worse.  And I do think he feels a bit insecure as people tend to react badly.  I know his previous job was in computer work, he also has a love for horror movies and plays video games (as most people do).  He has been dedicated to his job like I said for nine years, but he is to the point now where he is about to be salary capped and he doesn’t see a future for himself with the company.  I think everyone in life is meant to do something great, I just hope I can help him to be able to find his something great!  Thank you for reading my blog, please pass this on to anyone you know whom may be hiring.  God Bless!

Reflecting

•June 25, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Update on my health journey, I have lost another .5 lbs, so that is 4lbs lost in two weeks.  I am happy with the result.  I am not exercising as much as I hoped, being so busy with work.  I spend a lot of time just thinking these days. 

Was talking with my life partner about work and my goals the other day.  And I am pushing hard to be an assistant at my job.  And partly because I feel I can contribute and make a difference,  but another part is about the money and benefits.  A major goal I have right now is to make enough so my life partner will not have to work at all, or at least just one part time job.  I honestly want her to just have time to enjoy life, to get healthy and maybe pursue her passion for photography or woodcrafts.  I honestly don’t really have anything that keeps me from working.  I feel most the time I just exist.  So, my partner says that she feels like she held me back.  That if we hadn’t met I would of probably stayed with Walmart and been a store manager or district HR by now.  I thought about what she said.  And it was mostly true.

To be honest, I did stop pursuing moving up in Walmart when I met her.  For the first time in a long time, I actually felt something.  I had been hurt by so many people in my life, that I had built walls up that I didn’t think anyone could penetrate.  And then I met her, and my life changed drastically.  When I would go to work previously I was very robotic, I made no connections to people.  I was there to do a job, and that was it.  I was very driven, almost manic about moving up and being successful.  I still lived with my parents and I didn’t want to be there.  They treated me like nothing more than a bank account, so I would often stay at work and work off the clock, just to not go home.  I was blindsided when I met my partner, I knew instantly that we were supposed to be together.  I never felt that way about anyone in my life. 

Work became secondary to having a personal life, and moving up in Walmart would of meant we couldn’t work at the same store anymore.  And I enjoyed working with her so much.  She is my best friend, the person I trust to get things done, my confidant;  my partner in life in every way.  So, she did hold me back, because she dared to love me.  And the love between us, taught me how to live.  To trust, to dream to do more in life than just work.  That life was worth living.  Now we don’t work together anymore (except when I go with her to help on her jobs) and I have a seperate identity.  When I am at work, it’s not “us” anymore, it’s just me.  And I have become stronger, more confident in my abilities and yes, also more robotic about work.  I am driven to make our life dreams come true. 

I didn’t want to stay in retail.  I wanted to have our own business be successful.  We just picked the wrong “horse” you could say, to put our money on.  And our inexperience and lack of finances caused the business to fail.  It was our dream to always work together and to have our own business.  I still believe somehow it will come about, but right now I am just trying to survive.  I don’t love my job, but I do like it.  I do feel that I can and do make a difference, but it’s not the difference  I want to leave as my legacy.  I want to inspire people, I want to help people be their best, I want to change the world.  Right now though, I am just thankful for a job and the opportunity to move up.  And I hope that it will eventually pay enough to where my partner can pursue other passions;  or that somehow the experiences I am having now will lead me to where I am supposed to be.

I want it ALL!  I want the baby, the ranch, the business, the non-profit, I want to be a published author….I want all my dreams, and OUR dreams to be fulfilled.  I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to settle for just existing.  Life is about taking risks, some pay off and some don’t.  But you have to try!  I don’t want to make a decision about a baby; I don’t feel it is fair.  I don’t want to give up on the dream, but I also don’t want to keep my hopes up for something that may never happen.  It is just a subject I am so tired of revisiting, but how can I stop thinking about it.  I have this huge hole in my heart and the aching pain is always there.  And I am so tired of people saying they understand or wish they could help; because they don’t understand.  And I know people say things like that because they don’t know what else to say, but it is just not comforting at all. 

I think sometimes what if I had chose to be with a man?  Would I have children now?  Then I have to think, would the children be enough without love?  And I have to say, NO, they wouldn’t be!  And I can say that without any hesitation or second thoughts.  To give up on the love I have with my partner, the connection and the total trust between the two of us;  just to be with someone who can willingly provide sperm; it would not be a fair trade.  I love my life partner!  It is because of that deep love that I want a child so much.  I wouldn’t want to raise a child in a relationship that is not a loving one.  Now you may ask how I know that I could not love a man?  That is easy, because I know ME.   God gave me a great gift when he brought my partner in to my life, I am forever grateful.

I suppose right now I am just hoping that somehow I will happen upon a fertility doctor here in Texas that will treat me for free or that will treat me at drastically reduced prices.  I am trying to get my body healthy, and I am hoping for the best.  I do believe I may have the immunological disorder or maybe the other failed pregnancies were just not at the right time.  It is possible that I could try at home to get pregnant (if I had a willing donor), but that too is something I wish for.  We could try to go through Depelchin or the Foster Care system and hopefully adopt a child.  If you adopt that way it isn’t near as costly, or sometimes it doesnt’ costs at all!  It is just a lot of paperwork, classes, home visits and scrutiny to put yourself through.  And I can’t make that decision on my own.  My life partner has to decide if she wants to or not.  I can’t do it on my own.  So, right now it is just something we have put in Gods hands and we just hope and have faith that God will lead us to where we need to be.

We are hoping to put our house on the market next year.  We bought our house rather quickly to move from Missouri to Texas.  At the time we thought it was our dream home, but we are not really the subdivision type.  We are constantly looking at land.  And it is our hope to find at minimum 5 acres (although we would love to have a hundred or so, but that would require us to be millionaires, which we are not) and to either already have a home on it or to have a log home built.  And we are looking to downsize on the living space, and have more outdoor space.  We want a big front porch (or even better a wrap around covered porch) and land for critters.  I want a Brahman bull, donkey, Alpaca, miniature pony or horse, some guineas, ducks, chickens, and other various critters.  She of course wants at least two or three horses for riding and some various cattle to heard.  We’d like to learn to be self sufficient and live off the land, we want solar and wind power and to recycle our water, to be eco-friendly.

I don’t know what the future holds.  Most days I am upbeat and love my life, other days I can’t help but wonder what my purpose is.  But I love to write, and I hope that my writing will someday help someone to feel less alone.  And to realize that you should never give up on your dreams, no matter how impossible they may seem.  There is always hope!

06/22/2012

•June 22, 2012 • Leave a Comment

So, I’ve lost 3.5lbs, do down to 206.5lbs; that’s a good start. Taking Alive brand vitamins and extra B6 and B12. And eating at home ALOT more; not necessarily the healthiest food, but it’s a start. Getting quick and easy food now because I just need to avoid hitting the fast food joints. My partner and I are rarely home, always working. But, we are taking the steps to become healthier and that will lead us to a better quality of life. And with the better life quality, comes happiness and a more positive attitude. A positive attitude results in two women who are unstoppable when it comes to the pursuit of their dreams! The first crucial steps are being taken, it’s just a matter of staying the course.

06/19/2012

•June 19, 2012 • Leave a Comment

I haven’t had a chance to write the last few days.  It seems my life partner and I are always busy.  We both work about 50 hrs a week and we get extremely tired.  Yesterday we just sit on the couch all day.  The whole time I am thinking about how I need to get up and do some exercise, but I had absolutely no energy.  I know it is important for the body to rest, to repair itself.  I just want to have the energy I did when I was fit.  They say you make time for what is important in life, and exercise is important to me.  It’s just so hard with us always working.  I love the flexibility my partner has with her jobs, we never really have to worry about her work schedule conflicting with mine (we have just one car); but it’s just a part time job.  They expect so much for the pay, she started off doing stores close to home (she’s a merchandiser for a company), now her closest store is about 10 miles away and they get further.  It’s a lot of wear and tear on the car.  There were a couple of other jobs that she interviewed for and I thought for sure she’d get them, but it didn’t work out.  So, she does three part time jobs and I do my full time job and help her with some of her part time jobs.  It’s not an easy life.  We are doing what we have to do right now, having faith that something better is around the corner.  We’d love another chance to own our own business someday.  And we hope the opportunity (a legitimate one) will present itself again someday.  I’m trying to make time for writing again, but it’s hard.  I know getting fit is the key to everything.  When you’re healthy you feel better and when you feel better you attract better things in to your life.

There has been a snag in the healthy routine.  We are buying food and eating more at home, so that’s good.  But we ordered these exercise dvd’s called INSANITY from Ebay because I couldn’t afford to pay full price.  And guess what?  I haven’t received them yet, the tracking number gives me no information and the Ebay seller has not responded.  I am irritated by this.  I’ve shopped on Ebay quite a bit and I’ve never had this happen before.  I can’t stand crooked people.  I have filed a complaint with Paypal, so hopefully I will get my money back and try some other way to get these crazy workout dvd’s.  I watched the informercial and there wasn’t a single fat person doing the workout.  And it seems kind of intense, but what I loved about it was no weights, no stretch bands, no rubber ball…. nothing!  It’s just you using your own body weight to get in shape.  So, I liked the idea of it.  The problem I have with most exercise dvd’s is that you are trying to do it and watch to get proper form, it’s just very awkward.  So I thought at least not having to worry about what weight or band or whatever to use, that it would be easier to at least grasp how to do the exercise.  So, I’m hoping to have something moving forward soon at least.  On a positive note: I have lost weight this week.  I am down to 206.5   from 210lbs.  So, that is wonderful!  I think not eating out as much and eating more protien is definitely working.  I am thankful for that.

I watched an episode of Sister Wives the other day.  I am totally in love with the Brown family (not in a sexual way).  I just think there is so much love and support in that family, I would have loved to have grown up feeling that loved and supported.  I feel a kinship with the first wife Meri.  Because although she does have one child, she has suffered greatly with infertility like me.  And right now she is going through the same struggle I am.  On one hand she will always want another child, but there is all the risks of heartache and disappointment.  She is thinking about doing IVF (just like me) but she is scared.  And I understand.  I found some non-profit groups that I could apply to and if chosen I could get the financial assistance I need to try IVF.  But first I have to spend out the money to see a doctor to be diagnosed with infertility (which I am about 100% I have an immunological disorder) so that shouldn’t be a problem.  But, I have to prioritize my finances.  I haven’t had my teeth cleaned in about three years, neither has my partner and we definitely need to do that first!  The tests to confirm infertility are not cheap.  Then there are the application fees and the waiting.  And to put yourself through all of that KNOWING unless they choose you, there is no hope.  There is no way for me to afford IVF on my own; without coming into some windfall of money.  So, although I think the Browns have a better chance of affording the procedure, I understand how Meri feels.  Even with a normal, healthy woman pregnancy is always risky.  Caring a healthy baby to term is indeed a miracle that many people take for granted.  I go to bed every night wishing I would magically wake up pregnant.  To have to make the decision to continue to try is the hardest and most unfair decision a person should have to make.  I will forever have a hole in my heart if I don’t have a child.  And I will forever feel like I have failed as a woman and a partner to my life mate (regardless of what she tells me).  I still have flashbacks of the last miscarriage and I wonder if I can handle that if it was to happen again?  But at the same time, I don’t want to give up.  I just don’t know what I will do or what the future holds.  Just have to keep praying and have faith.

Also, one last note of good news.  My sister-in-law is handling her chemo really great!  She’s been up and moving around doing housework and feeling much better.  We talked to an old friend we worked with at Walmart;  and she has a friend who was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer as well.  And he has survived it now for three years!  So I am hoping that my sister-in-law is just as lucky!  I know she is strong and I feel she will be with us much longer than they originally predicted.  She is in my prayers always.