Thinking….

I feel as I spend most of my life thinking.  I think about the past, the future, my mistakes, and every once in a while about my successes.  I think about my loved ones and how I wish I could take all their pains and worries away.  I think about my soulmate and how I don’t know what I would do without her.  And I think about being a millionaire and how I would live.  My ultimate life goal is to live off-grid.  I want to live on a ranch, have solar and wind power, collect rain water and grow my own food.  I want to create art, write books and travel.  I want to just LIVE without worry.  And I want to have a positive impact on society, I want to start a non-profit and help others.  And if I was truly blessed, I would have a child or adopt one (maybe both).  But then I think about how that all seems so impossible, yet NOTHING is impossible, because I am here, I am alive.  And as long as I breath, there is always hope.  I think about my great niece Alyssa and how she reminds me of myself at that age, yet the biggest difference is she has family to encourage her.  And believe me it does make a difference.  I think about how I gave up on all my dreams to just settle in to work and paying my bills.  I think if I was a millionaire I would buy her photography equipment and send her on a trip to see the world.  She’s not a blood relative, she’s my partners family…but she is more family than anyone I am related to.  That is how all my partners family is…I wasn’t just blessed with an amazing person to share my life with, I was given a whole family!!  I think and I think…and then I get tired of thinking.  Sometimes I get angry.  Especially about my sister in law and her struggle with stage four pancreatic cancer.  I love her so much.  To me she is not just a sister in law, she is a sister, a mother and a mentor, I look up to her, she inspires me with her strength and graciousness.  And I think why couldn’t it be me, instead of her.  I guess we all tend to be that way.  I just wish I could take her burden away and give her some peace and joy in her life.  I think about my job.  It is such a love/hate relationship.  I just want to get out of retail and do something good in my life.  I sometimes think about just packing a bag and walking until I can’t anymore and starting all over.  I feel sometimes like I am suffocating, that I live everyday just to pay for a home I am rarely ever in. When I worked for Walmart, my life partner and I worked the same schedule, had the same days off, and we had time together (at least until we transferred to Texas).  But when we came to Texas and were harrassed and singled out, and everything bad that happened, we felt we had no choice but to leave Walmart.  And life has been a struggle since.  But does that make leaving Walmart a mistake?  I think abou that a lot.  But, mentally I couldn’t take working for them anymore, they were abusive to myself and my partner and it was too much for me to take.  Money isn’t everything.  But I do think how that experience has affected me.  And I just want a new career, I want to do something that matters, and I am finding it so hard to get a chance at anything.  Once you work in retail, that is all people seem to think you are capable of.  I think about living in Texas and if it was a mistake to move here.  It was definitely a brave thing to do.  To move away from everyone and everything we knew.  And there are things I love about living here.  Especially all the outdoor activities, but we don’t seem to ever have time to enjoy them.  So that makes me think about moving away and moving back to Missouri or maybe somewhere like Tennessee where we have never been before.  I am wasting my life just thinking about this and that.  Because to take action, to just run away or quit my job to pursue my dreams would be taking a financial risk I cannot afford.  I have no savings, no insurance, I have nothing but love in my life.  Which believe me, love is really all you need…. but I’d be the most loved homeless person ever!  I think about the kids today in such a hurry to grow up, and I wish that I had enjoyed my childhood more.  It is time I must get ready for work.  I will do my best to make someone smile today and to achieve my work goals.  And I will try to stop all this thinking… and start just living a little bit more.  Peace and love to all….

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~ by destiny2b on August 16, 2012.

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