Reflecting

Update on my health journey, I have lost another .5 lbs, so that is 4lbs lost in two weeks.  I am happy with the result.  I am not exercising as much as I hoped, being so busy with work.  I spend a lot of time just thinking these days. 

Was talking with my life partner about work and my goals the other day.  And I am pushing hard to be an assistant at my job.  And partly because I feel I can contribute and make a difference,  but another part is about the money and benefits.  A major goal I have right now is to make enough so my life partner will not have to work at all, or at least just one part time job.  I honestly want her to just have time to enjoy life, to get healthy and maybe pursue her passion for photography or woodcrafts.  I honestly don’t really have anything that keeps me from working.  I feel most the time I just exist.  So, my partner says that she feels like she held me back.  That if we hadn’t met I would of probably stayed with Walmart and been a store manager or district HR by now.  I thought about what she said.  And it was mostly true.

To be honest, I did stop pursuing moving up in Walmart when I met her.  For the first time in a long time, I actually felt something.  I had been hurt by so many people in my life, that I had built walls up that I didn’t think anyone could penetrate.  And then I met her, and my life changed drastically.  When I would go to work previously I was very robotic, I made no connections to people.  I was there to do a job, and that was it.  I was very driven, almost manic about moving up and being successful.  I still lived with my parents and I didn’t want to be there.  They treated me like nothing more than a bank account, so I would often stay at work and work off the clock, just to not go home.  I was blindsided when I met my partner, I knew instantly that we were supposed to be together.  I never felt that way about anyone in my life. 

Work became secondary to having a personal life, and moving up in Walmart would of meant we couldn’t work at the same store anymore.  And I enjoyed working with her so much.  She is my best friend, the person I trust to get things done, my confidant;  my partner in life in every way.  So, she did hold me back, because she dared to love me.  And the love between us, taught me how to live.  To trust, to dream to do more in life than just work.  That life was worth living.  Now we don’t work together anymore (except when I go with her to help on her jobs) and I have a seperate identity.  When I am at work, it’s not “us” anymore, it’s just me.  And I have become stronger, more confident in my abilities and yes, also more robotic about work.  I am driven to make our life dreams come true. 

I didn’t want to stay in retail.  I wanted to have our own business be successful.  We just picked the wrong “horse” you could say, to put our money on.  And our inexperience and lack of finances caused the business to fail.  It was our dream to always work together and to have our own business.  I still believe somehow it will come about, but right now I am just trying to survive.  I don’t love my job, but I do like it.  I do feel that I can and do make a difference, but it’s not the difference  I want to leave as my legacy.  I want to inspire people, I want to help people be their best, I want to change the world.  Right now though, I am just thankful for a job and the opportunity to move up.  And I hope that it will eventually pay enough to where my partner can pursue other passions;  or that somehow the experiences I am having now will lead me to where I am supposed to be.

I want it ALL!  I want the baby, the ranch, the business, the non-profit, I want to be a published author….I want all my dreams, and OUR dreams to be fulfilled.  I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to settle for just existing.  Life is about taking risks, some pay off and some don’t.  But you have to try!  I don’t want to make a decision about a baby; I don’t feel it is fair.  I don’t want to give up on the dream, but I also don’t want to keep my hopes up for something that may never happen.  It is just a subject I am so tired of revisiting, but how can I stop thinking about it.  I have this huge hole in my heart and the aching pain is always there.  And I am so tired of people saying they understand or wish they could help; because they don’t understand.  And I know people say things like that because they don’t know what else to say, but it is just not comforting at all. 

I think sometimes what if I had chose to be with a man?  Would I have children now?  Then I have to think, would the children be enough without love?  And I have to say, NO, they wouldn’t be!  And I can say that without any hesitation or second thoughts.  To give up on the love I have with my partner, the connection and the total trust between the two of us;  just to be with someone who can willingly provide sperm; it would not be a fair trade.  I love my life partner!  It is because of that deep love that I want a child so much.  I wouldn’t want to raise a child in a relationship that is not a loving one.  Now you may ask how I know that I could not love a man?  That is easy, because I know ME.   God gave me a great gift when he brought my partner in to my life, I am forever grateful.

I suppose right now I am just hoping that somehow I will happen upon a fertility doctor here in Texas that will treat me for free or that will treat me at drastically reduced prices.  I am trying to get my body healthy, and I am hoping for the best.  I do believe I may have the immunological disorder or maybe the other failed pregnancies were just not at the right time.  It is possible that I could try at home to get pregnant (if I had a willing donor), but that too is something I wish for.  We could try to go through Depelchin or the Foster Care system and hopefully adopt a child.  If you adopt that way it isn’t near as costly, or sometimes it doesnt’ costs at all!  It is just a lot of paperwork, classes, home visits and scrutiny to put yourself through.  And I can’t make that decision on my own.  My life partner has to decide if she wants to or not.  I can’t do it on my own.  So, right now it is just something we have put in Gods hands and we just hope and have faith that God will lead us to where we need to be.

We are hoping to put our house on the market next year.  We bought our house rather quickly to move from Missouri to Texas.  At the time we thought it was our dream home, but we are not really the subdivision type.  We are constantly looking at land.  And it is our hope to find at minimum 5 acres (although we would love to have a hundred or so, but that would require us to be millionaires, which we are not) and to either already have a home on it or to have a log home built.  And we are looking to downsize on the living space, and have more outdoor space.  We want a big front porch (or even better a wrap around covered porch) and land for critters.  I want a Brahman bull, donkey, Alpaca, miniature pony or horse, some guineas, ducks, chickens, and other various critters.  She of course wants at least two or three horses for riding and some various cattle to heard.  We’d like to learn to be self sufficient and live off the land, we want solar and wind power and to recycle our water, to be eco-friendly.

I don’t know what the future holds.  Most days I am upbeat and love my life, other days I can’t help but wonder what my purpose is.  But I love to write, and I hope that my writing will someday help someone to feel less alone.  And to realize that you should never give up on your dreams, no matter how impossible they may seem.  There is always hope!

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~ by destiny2b on June 25, 2012.

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