06/19/2012

I haven’t had a chance to write the last few days.  It seems my life partner and I are always busy.  We both work about 50 hrs a week and we get extremely tired.  Yesterday we just sit on the couch all day.  The whole time I am thinking about how I need to get up and do some exercise, but I had absolutely no energy.  I know it is important for the body to rest, to repair itself.  I just want to have the energy I did when I was fit.  They say you make time for what is important in life, and exercise is important to me.  It’s just so hard with us always working.  I love the flexibility my partner has with her jobs, we never really have to worry about her work schedule conflicting with mine (we have just one car); but it’s just a part time job.  They expect so much for the pay, she started off doing stores close to home (she’s a merchandiser for a company), now her closest store is about 10 miles away and they get further.  It’s a lot of wear and tear on the car.  There were a couple of other jobs that she interviewed for and I thought for sure she’d get them, but it didn’t work out.  So, she does three part time jobs and I do my full time job and help her with some of her part time jobs.  It’s not an easy life.  We are doing what we have to do right now, having faith that something better is around the corner.  We’d love another chance to own our own business someday.  And we hope the opportunity (a legitimate one) will present itself again someday.  I’m trying to make time for writing again, but it’s hard.  I know getting fit is the key to everything.  When you’re healthy you feel better and when you feel better you attract better things in to your life.

There has been a snag in the healthy routine.  We are buying food and eating more at home, so that’s good.  But we ordered these exercise dvd’s called INSANITY from Ebay because I couldn’t afford to pay full price.  And guess what?  I haven’t received them yet, the tracking number gives me no information and the Ebay seller has not responded.  I am irritated by this.  I’ve shopped on Ebay quite a bit and I’ve never had this happen before.  I can’t stand crooked people.  I have filed a complaint with Paypal, so hopefully I will get my money back and try some other way to get these crazy workout dvd’s.  I watched the informercial and there wasn’t a single fat person doing the workout.  And it seems kind of intense, but what I loved about it was no weights, no stretch bands, no rubber ball…. nothing!  It’s just you using your own body weight to get in shape.  So, I liked the idea of it.  The problem I have with most exercise dvd’s is that you are trying to do it and watch to get proper form, it’s just very awkward.  So I thought at least not having to worry about what weight or band or whatever to use, that it would be easier to at least grasp how to do the exercise.  So, I’m hoping to have something moving forward soon at least.  On a positive note: I have lost weight this week.  I am down to 206.5   from 210lbs.  So, that is wonderful!  I think not eating out as much and eating more protien is definitely working.  I am thankful for that.

I watched an episode of Sister Wives the other day.  I am totally in love with the Brown family (not in a sexual way).  I just think there is so much love and support in that family, I would have loved to have grown up feeling that loved and supported.  I feel a kinship with the first wife Meri.  Because although she does have one child, she has suffered greatly with infertility like me.  And right now she is going through the same struggle I am.  On one hand she will always want another child, but there is all the risks of heartache and disappointment.  She is thinking about doing IVF (just like me) but she is scared.  And I understand.  I found some non-profit groups that I could apply to and if chosen I could get the financial assistance I need to try IVF.  But first I have to spend out the money to see a doctor to be diagnosed with infertility (which I am about 100% I have an immunological disorder) so that shouldn’t be a problem.  But, I have to prioritize my finances.  I haven’t had my teeth cleaned in about three years, neither has my partner and we definitely need to do that first!  The tests to confirm infertility are not cheap.  Then there are the application fees and the waiting.  And to put yourself through all of that KNOWING unless they choose you, there is no hope.  There is no way for me to afford IVF on my own; without coming into some windfall of money.  So, although I think the Browns have a better chance of affording the procedure, I understand how Meri feels.  Even with a normal, healthy woman pregnancy is always risky.  Caring a healthy baby to term is indeed a miracle that many people take for granted.  I go to bed every night wishing I would magically wake up pregnant.  To have to make the decision to continue to try is the hardest and most unfair decision a person should have to make.  I will forever have a hole in my heart if I don’t have a child.  And I will forever feel like I have failed as a woman and a partner to my life mate (regardless of what she tells me).  I still have flashbacks of the last miscarriage and I wonder if I can handle that if it was to happen again?  But at the same time, I don’t want to give up.  I just don’t know what I will do or what the future holds.  Just have to keep praying and have faith.

Also, one last note of good news.  My sister-in-law is handling her chemo really great!  She’s been up and moving around doing housework and feeling much better.  We talked to an old friend we worked with at Walmart;  and she has a friend who was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer as well.  And he has survived it now for three years!  So I am hoping that my sister-in-law is just as lucky!  I know she is strong and I feel she will be with us much longer than they originally predicted.  She is in my prayers always.

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~ by destiny2b on June 19, 2012.

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