Take 2: Getting Healthy 2012

I have to laugh at myself, all the talk I do about getting healthy.  I’ve done a lot of reflecting on things this past month.  I’ve been angry, sad, in total denial and finally I suppose I have accepted things and decided to take action.  I’ve struggled with my weight all my life (since I started menstruating at the age of nine).  At first I didn’t really realize I was heavy or different, until people would point it out.  The main person being my mother.  The same person who cooked all those fatty foods and pretty much ran my life was the same person who criticized my weight.  I’m sure that is part of my drive to be a parent, just wanting to be a better mom than mine.  Well, I’ve thought about what all I did last time I got so healthy, what it was that motivated me.  When I was younger I always wanted to be fit so I would be like the other girls, I like to dance so I wanted to be a cheerleader and just have fun.  To be able to wear all the cute clothes, it was what I always wanted.  It’s funny that because I am a lesbian and the way I dress people don’t think of me like that.  But I am truly a fashion diva inside, I wear the clothes I wear because they are practical and it’s what I can afford.  Plus I just think when you are heavier, clothes are so extremely expensive and it is harder to find a good fit.  I have a couple of relatives (my partners family) that are heavier and they always just look so wonderful the way they dress, but I just don’t have the means to do that.  So, I realized a few years back that just wanting to be a certain size to be socially accepted was not enough to motivate me to get healthy.  If it was, I would of went through my teen years having a lot more fun and a lot more friends.  When you don’t feel comfortable with yourself, it is hard to feel comfortable in an already socially ackward situation like being in highschool.  It really wasn’t until I started to feel unhealthy that I started to take getting fit seriously.  I was working one day and started to get out of breath and finding it hard to bend over and just tired of pulling at my clothes and buying new pants every month because the others were worn between the legs.  I just got fed up with all of it.  So, I started taking steps.  Started to pay attention to what I ate, what I did.  It started slow with just standing instead of sitting, then eating salad instead of fries.  Giving up fast food was probably the easiest thing to do.  And I had to make the decision to do it on my own, that I was doing it for myself, not anyone else.

So, last year I went throug a span of about three weeks where I was really serious about getting healthy again.  And I wondered why it didn’t work, why I ended up quitting?  And I think it is because I was doing it for the wrong reasons.  I had once again got caught up in my ego and what others think of me.  I felt like a failure because I had achieved this amazing weight loss, and I had kept it off for three years.  And I kept being so mad at myself for gaining ANY weight back.  My partner kept telling me how I should still be so proud because most people gain all the weight back, plus some.  And I had only gained 83lbs out of 150lbs back (I currently am 63lbs above my lowest weight of 147lbs) so I should still count that as a WIN.  But it wasn’t and isn’t enough for me, I still think I allowed all the crap in life to litterally weigh me down and I gave back in to bad habits.  So, I knew if I was going to be serious about my health and really take it serious to get fit again I had to have a better reason then just wanting to be a certain clothes size or worrying about how people view me.

Then life threw this curveball at me with my sister-in-laws health and then this offer of a baby.  And it really all was more than I wanted to even think about or deal with.  People at work didn’t seem to understand about my sister-in-law, I suppose because she is just an inlaw.  But she is far more than that, she IS my family and a true friend who I admire greatly.  And I think about all the strength she has shown and the grace she has shown dealing with this terminal illness, and I have to ask myself why do I make excuses for my shortcomings.  I think about what the doctors have told her about how her being in such great physical shape has given her a better chance of dealing with the battle she is facing.  And that is when it hit me, if I am going to start getting healthy again it needs to be about my HEALTH, not anything else.  I have to want it, I have to do it so I can live a longer more productive life.  When I was fit, I had so much energy and such a positive attitude.  And I really want to feel that way again.  And as far as the baby thing, what if I was to have a child (whether giving birth, adoption, fostering, etc) I would need to be able to get out and about and be physically active with the child.  I wouldn’t want to raise a child that spends their days sitting infront of the tv or computer (or video gaming), I would want to raise a child that was getting out and experiencing nature and all the adventures in life.  Then of course there is our dream of owning a ranch (a very physical lifestyle) and running a non-profit.  And with running a non-profit you are the face of your charity, so that requires a lot of rubbing elbows and getting out there and fundraising.  So, to achieve any of my dreams I need to get my body in to better physical shape.

Today, was the start.  Unfortunately we did go out to breakfast (a habit we need to break) but we went to 24 hour Fitness right after and spent 20 minutes on the elliptical.  We both went over a mile and burned over 200 calories each.  So, it’s a start and I am proud of us.  The journey will continue.

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~ by destiny2b on June 12, 2012.

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