What to do now?

There have been recent events in my life that have caused me to reevaluate things.  My life partner and I had sadly come to the realization we would probably never have a child.  We have no access to sperm (a man willing to give of it can not be found) and we do not have the finances to see a fertility doctor or to adopt.  So, we had been focusing our energy on just trying to visualize a way to achieve our other dream of having a ranch.  We go out all the time looking at land and animals and talking about sitting on our porch watching the sunset.  Then, about three weeks ago we were approached about adopting an unwanted child.  We were cautiously optimistic.  Then last week the parents changed their minds.  That was devistating.  And sympathy and understanding of our situation is hard to come by, making it much harder to handle.  That being said, it made us think about life and what could Gods plan be?  And I decided I am truly happy for the couple and happy that the child is now WANTED (by the parents).  And although I know we would of loved the child as our own, it is wonderful that the parents want to also now do the same for the child.  I pray that the pregnancy continues to progress and the baby be born healthy and happy.  But what is Gods plan for my partner and I?  Does it seem fair that God would instill in us such a burning desire to have a child and such a love for children?  Why would He allow someone to present such an opportunity to us and take it away?  There must be a reason!  So, I take it as God telling us not to give up!  To keep the door to possibilities open.  Does that mean we will have a child?  Barring some miracle windfall of money or some generous soul…. the answer is still no.  We have no way to make a child appear in our lives.  But, I think God just wants us to not give up, to continue to have faith that He has a plan for us that we just don’t understand yet.

It did get me to looking into some things though.  And there are actually non-profits that help people to afford IVF treatments, to help with adoption and other options.  This sounds pretty exciting and I applaud those who started these non-profits.  Yes there is a lot of paperwork and application fees, and of course no guarantees.  But just the idea that some kind people realizing that to struggle with fertility is such a heart wrenching experience, makes me have hope.  And being non-profits they do not discriminate against gay people, although they are more selective about who they approach to help you in your treatments as some people are just full of hatred.  I have always counted out the option of doing IVF, not because of how hard it is on the body (as I’d risk almost anything) but because of costs.  So, I am considering submitting applications to see if I can get help to try to conceive.  The only glitch is I first have to see a doctor and have him declare that I suffer from infertility (given my history that shouldn’t be hard) and to state what the treatment costs would be.  THAT is the part I am unsure about.  You see, to put myself through all the tests again, to incure those doctor bills just so I can submit an application to MAYBE get chosen to receive help; that is a big gamble.  It’s a lot to ask for.  It’s kind of like dangling the carrot in front of a horse and never letting him eat it.  When you go see a doctor and start taking those steps, it is only natural to get excited.  And then to realize it wouldn’t matter what the doctor tells me, because if I do get the grant from one of the non-profits I can’t afford the treatments anyway!

I emailed this one group today, and told the lady a little about my fertility history.  And she recommended I get in touch with a fertility doctor in Illinois.  She seems to think I have an immunological condition.  From what I was reading (I haven’t heard back from the doctor yet) it’s kind of like my body sees the embryo as a foreign object in the body.  It’s kind of like when someone gets an organ transplant and their body rejects it, that is what seems to happen with me.  My body does not seem to like sperm, embryos, etc.  Or so, it would seem.  And if that is true, then I would easily be diagnosed as having infertility.  And there are treatment options for it.

Which makes me think about my old fertility doctor, Dr. Ratts from Washington University in St. Louis.  I went to her off and on for about 5 years.  She ran all kinds of tests on me, and I wonder if she should of known of my condition.  I wonder if we just spent thousands of dollars on false hope?  Children, they are the most precious gift a person can receive in life.  But don’t kid yourself, they are also a multi-billion dollar industry.  Women will spend thousands of dollars, couples will spend thousands of dollars just for the chance to conceive.  The love and desire for a child, will make a person go in to debt without a second thought.  And fertility doctors, sperm banks, they just keep raising their prices and making money on people who have little hope but big dreams.  And then there is always the adoption agencies…. that is a whole different ball game, hundreds of thousands of dollars people spend.  And many will spend years on the waiting list, and some will never get their baby.  There are children who go from foster home to foster home, or grow up in orphanages because people who want children can either not afford them, or don’t qualify because of either being gay (which thank God Texas does not discriminate) or because they don’t make enough money, etc. 

I really don’t know what to do with my life now.  You read all the time that to find your life purpose to find what you are passionate about.  I am passionate about being a mother, that is my purpose!  But how can it be, I am 38 years old and still no child.  So, maybe I have to pursue other passions.  I am passionate about writing, animals, and charity.  I do want to start a non-profit.  My life partner and I already have our name picked out for it.  But what we need is time and money.  We need time to do charity work and money to start the non-profit.  So, again I have to hope and pray that God has a plan for us.  I am also passionate about fitness (although currently my body does not reflect it), so my partner and I are on a journey to start once again getting healthy.  I honestly wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what to do.

My life is not horrible, I am blessed in many ways.  But I think back to when I was in highschool.  I was so outspoken, I wrote for the school paper and wanted to be an activist for change in the world.  But then, life changed me.  My brother died, I had to financially start taking care of the family and instead of going to college…I just got a job.  And unfortunately that job was retail.  It’s not that I dislike retail, it’s just once you are in retail, it’s pretty much all you can do.  I’ve tried to find other jobs, but there aren’t that many people looking to give someone my age a chance at a new career.

I realize my problems, my struggles in life are small compared to some.  But they are my own personal struggles and they do matter to me.  I look at my life partner and all I can think about is how I have failed her.  How I couldn’t give her the one thing I should of been easily able to give her.  That bothers me.  I wish I could find a great job to where she could pursue other interests and wouldn’t have to work.  Or better yet, so she could be able to spend more time with her sister who is ill and all the rest of the family.  It wasn’t my choice to move so far away.  It is hard now, knowing her sister is ill that we are so far away.  But, I still believe us moving away was the right decision for us.  Many of the best decisions in life are the hardest to make.  I don’t really want to think about anything anymore.  I would give up all my hopes and dreams, and if I was a millionaire I would give up all my money, if I could make her sister not be sick anymore! It is just too hard, too many people hurt because of it (me included). 

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~ by destiny2b on June 11, 2012.

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