Thoughts

I would like to say over the years I have evolved to become a wise person.  At the age of 37 I have made some decisions people would find to be not only frightening, but down right crazy.  I suppose to understand it you would have to understand where I came from.  I started off living pretty much in a bubble I suppose, being a sickly child.  Excuses were made for me all the time, and the older kids were punished for everything.  I was perceived to be perfect, I could do no wrong.  There were no consequences for my actions.  I idolized my older brother, wanted to do everything he did.  I could have cared less what my sisters were doing, except my oldest sister, I thought she had the most beautiful figure.  And I loved her glasses!  I was always told if you sat too close to the TV you would make your eyes bad, so what did I do?  You guessed it!  Having a disease, like Epilepsy made life difficult.  I didn’t really have friends, everyone thought I was a freak!  They were scared of me.  I would have seizures and no one understood them or what was causing them.  I would have accidents, I was sick to my stomach all the time.  My only friends were my brother, my pets and for a brief time I had this little girl named Dana, when I lived in Waterloo, Illinois as a best friend.  After the age of nine, I stopped having seizures.  I developed early, starting my period at nine and getting boobs, etc.  This again made me stand out and be different from the other girls.  I was not accepted.  I became more withdrawn and creative and lived pretty much in my fantasy world.  My older siblings were all growing up and doing things and my mom no longer working, focused all her energy on me.  I guess it was easy for her to become my best friend when I didn’t have any friends.  We became co-dependent on one another, it was in no way a healthy relationship.  I think it’s great if you can have a friendship with your child, but you have to be a parent first.  There has to be clear boundaries, and consistent behavior.  So, as a teenager, I was definitely socially stunted.  I had no idea how to interact with kids my own age.  I met this crazy Canadian in middle school and she was my best friend. More like a sister.  But my mother became increasingly jealous of the friendship.  And in all honesty, mentally I had developed to where I was somewhere between an old lady and a child.  I knew nothing of being a teenager.  Kids my age were going to parties, making out, having sex, skipping school, they were testing the boundaries and breaking the rules.  I didn’t do any of that.  The only time I skipped school was when my mom would pull me out to go shopping with her.  I am and was very smart, I could do the school work without attending, so I guess she thought it didn’t matter.  My mom was and is a very selfish woman, and didn’t care about me learning to socialize with people my age, she wanted me to hang out with her.  In all honesty, I was so afraid to break the rules.  When my oldest sister broke the rules, she was forced to get married.  My second sister when she broke the rules, was kicked out of the house.  And my brother when he broke the rules, was made to join the army.  It was clear in my house, you did what mother wanted you to do.

So, finally at the age of twenty-four, I took the first step to living life on my terms.  I tried to develop an adult relationship with my mother, but now we don’t even talk.  And to be honest, I don’t care.  Some relationships just don’t work.  And a person can only continue to hurt you if you allow them to.  I’ve decided to no longer be a doormat.  Last year, I decided I was no longer going to allow ignorant people who I worked for to make me feel small or belittle my life anymore, so I quit my job of 14 years.  I have been working hard to make my own business successful and I am learning from the mistakes I made.  And I have tried to create an adult friendship with that crazy Canadian from my past.  It has been a struggle for sure.  The one fault of mine, I am still working on is learning to let go.  I care too much!  Being someone who always wanted kids, I especially care for kids and want to mentor them and help them develop into healthy adults.  But, people have a tendency to not want to listen to anyone elses advice about their kids.  So, that has been a huge hurdle to overcome.  There is a tendency for people to think if you don’t have kids, you know nothing.  Maybe one day, I’ll go to college and get a degree in child psychology.  Who better to understand than someone who struggles with their own “darkness”?

I have not yet evolved into that “perfect” human who has got life all figured out.  I think most of my past I have come to terms with.  And I have great hope for my future.  Everyday I wake up thankful for the life I have.  I share my world with an incredible person, and that is a gift I treasure.  Life is what you make of it, and everything happens for a reason.  I will learn and grow, until the day my life ends.

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~ by destiny2b on July 17, 2011.

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