A Greater Calling

Most who know me are aware of my current life journey.  Looking to resolve the past and move forward to a great future.  And trying my best to live life to the fullest, while on the journey.  We are raised to not question God, whether your God is named Muhammad or Jesus, or Buddha they are considered all-powerful and it is not for us to question.  But, I do question.  I know my mere mortal mind is not meant to understand, but I do think a lot about life circumstances.  I believe in past lives, so I understand we are all on our journey for a reason.  I consider my not having children, to be payment for something from my past.  Maybe I had children and didn’t appreciate them or care for them.  Maybe I was abusive to them.  There is most certainly a reason for God to put so much pain in my heart.  In this life, as in all past, I am paying for the “crimes” of the prior life.  I don’t want to keep repeating this cycle.  Truth be told, I hope to not have to live another life.  I feel blessed to have found my soul mate in this life, and although there is much I would like to accomplish, to be on this earth again, is not something I desire to go through.  I question the justice in life when people lose their young children, you see the innocence of a life just beginning and you wonder in what way is it fair to snuff out that life?  And what are those left on this earth grieving for that loss, supposed to do with this huge hole left in their hearts?  What belief system would give them solace?  I have never given birth, but I’ve lost my share of pregnancies and I still wonder what it would have been like, I guess I owe thanks to God for not allowing me to give birth and lose the child, because my psyche wouldn’t have handled that!  I would have went totally insane, I am sure.  And would either be dead, in prison or in a padded room!  When my brother died, I went immediately into denial.  This year in September marks the 20th anniversary of his death.  And over the years I have come to terms with certain details.  Much of what I was told was lies, but in searching for the truth, I’ve dealt with much of it.  I still struggle at times with why he died instead of me!  My brother had great talent and potential in music and he was so popular, I was practically invisible, so why did he suffer so much?  My brother was a schizophrenic, almost certainly! My parents blamed his problems on drugs, and while I am not denying that he may have had dealings in drugs, he was not a drug abuser.  His body showed no signs of prolonged drug use and his body parts were made available for donation, and were donated.  So, I guess that is part of my journey, trying to rectify what is my life purpose?  I am a natural mother, but yet I’m not one!  I love animals, yet I have yet to own a ranch.  I am charitable, but can’t afford to give.  I love to write, yet can’t afford a literary agent to get manuscripts submitted.  I love knowledge, but can’t afford college.  I know there is a purpose!  I am working on it!  Getting fit right now for my own health, but also to achieve another goal.  Talked with my mate and we are seriously considering joining the National Guard once we think we can pass the fitness test.  We haven’t checked into it as far as knowing details about age limits or any of that, it’s just something we feel passionate about.  If we can’t join the National Guard, then maybe we’ll hook up with the Salvation Army to find out where we can go to help out during disasters (U.S) or things like that.  I can’t believe that I will NOT accomplish my goals!  There isn’t room in my life for negative results.  I quit my job to achieve my goals.  Working crazy hours was not accommodating to living a full life.  There was no room for self discovery.  Our business has yet to bring in any money, but we both feel we are in the development stage of our business where we are laying the groundwork.  So, we’re not worried.  We probably should be by most people’s standards.  Could we lose all our belongings and end up on the street….YES!  But I do believe it is well worth the gamble.  I LOVE my life and I am enjoying the journey.  There is no reason to pity me, because I am taking the chance, I am choosing to look for more instead of just allowing myself to be stagnant and settle!  It is all so easy, to just say this is my lot in life and settle and not look for more, it is far more brave to take the risk!  I look to examples like Picasso, one of the craziest artists of all time!  His artwork is sought after and goes for millions!  Yet in his lifetime he was a tortured soul, and penniless.  I consider the fact that I have had no success, as being in good company!  One must maintain a positive attitude while going through life, you can not allow yourself to be beaten down.  I may end up leaving this world, accomplishing none of my goals, but I do hope to have done more good than harm.  And if I accomplish that, well I can leave with a smile on my face. I will write this novel for my brother this year and I will enter it into the Amazon book contest next year.  Will I write anymore after that, I can’t be sure.  But I will write this, not just for him, but for me.  Writing is how I deal with my feelings, its great therapy.  You know, I always wanted to be a nun….but I question too much.  You have to have blind faith to be a nun.  I believe in ALL beliefs, to a certain level.  I applaud all those who are strong in their beliefs and convictions.  If I was going to become a true believer in something, I would probably study Kabbalah, buddhism or hinduism.  Because I am a spiritual person, I have a problem with some of the restrictions of some of the religions.  I love the idea of confession, I think it’s great to clear your conscience.  I’m sure many find comfort in that.  So, I am just rambling on.  I have to take some time to figure out what I really want to accomplish with my BLOG(s).  They say you are not supposed to treat them as a diary.  There is supposed to be a theme.  So, do I want to write about religion, fiction, poetry, animals, nature, fitness, what?  Or do I want to just post pics of artwork and Lisa’s photography?  Maybe I want to write about Astrology and how it affects your life?  I really don’t know!  I should write about our businesses… Franchise Consulting and being an Amway IBO.  But, how much can be said?  It’s tough!  There are things in life you would do if you were single, that once in a committed relationship you can’t do.  You have to consider the other person and how they feel.  Somedays I think I’d like to just pack a backpack full of shit and just start walking and see where I end up!  Life is a journey……..

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~ by destiny2b on April 7, 2011.

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