So, every since reading my brothers autopsy I haven’t been resting very well.  I’m starting to get a bit crabby.  Lastnight, I dreamed or maybe I was awake and just thinking, but I had very vivid thoughts about the Pizza Hut, where he killed himself.  I wonder, if there is a memorial there?  I think about the guy, the friend of my brother who went into the Pizza Hut with him, knowing what he was about to do.  Coming on the twenty year anniversary this year, I wonder if he or any of my brothers friends, ever go back there?  I think about calling the owner, asking to go into the Mens room where it happened.  Somehow thinking if I go there, I will be able to let go!  I think about the word FREEDOM, that he had scratched on his arm, just before he died!  I think about how sad he must of been, how lost, to think that suicide was the only answer!  I think about the last thing I said to him. 

Then, I realize that knowledge, does not always heal!  I was determined to find out as much as I could about my brothers death.  And I do find comfort in knowing that I have more truth now, than lies.  The truth is always better.  But, the knowledge, it doesn’t change anything.  I actually realized that I am at peace with his death, as much as I’ll ever be.  I can’t change what happened.  And I’m not angry at him anymore.  I’m not really sad either.  I just love him.  I feel more now than I have in a long time.  I think about him, because I am allowing myself to FEEL!  Before there was denial,  then there was this anger that came over me every year!  Now, well sure I’m not sleeping very well, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing.  I think I’m healing.  Because I am allowing myself to feel, to think of the good times and bad, I have my EYES WIDE OPEN, and I see it all for what it was!


~ by destiny2b on March 8, 2011.

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